Every four years, a select group of political superstars head off to the Iowa State Fair to show the regular people their relatability, electability, and ability to Pound It in pursuit of the presidency of our great nation. Although there are surely hundreds if not thousands of varieties of foods to sample in Iowa, the one item that binds the candidates is the famed Pork Chop on a Stick. Here is a brief tour of the most recent Pork Chop Poundathon.
First up: John Kasich (R)
Despite being the sanest candidate on the Republican side, Johnny-boy comes off a little weaselly in this Pork-Pounding. Unfortunate that the first impression is the one that lasts, but that’s how it goes in the world of pork-based politics.
Next: Hillary Clinton (D)
If we were endorsing a candidate simply from her Pounding Presence, Hillary would be the one. The bright and cheery face, the way the chop is pulling down her lower lip like she was a puppy refusing to let go of a sock? Luckily it’s not about Pounding It alone. She’s calm, cool, worldly, and collected, and she knows how it all works.
Next: Ted Cruz (R)
Honestly, one of the more presidential Poundings on the list. Got the finger point for authority, the steely gaze for resolve, and the tin foil, to show all the crazies that he has their backs too. Good luck Ted!
Why not: Martin O’Malley (D)
Not sure why we’re including him, since he’s way out of the race, but look at this picture of him posing with pork. Maybe we were too hasty in ridiculing him out of the race. He even got the full IPPA promo into his shot.
And of course: Donald Trump (R?)
Ugh. This was the dreaded Pound. Hard to look at this guy when he’s NOT eating. If his naiveté and horribly simplistic views weren’t enough of an off-putting prospect, watching him wrap those greasy lips around a fat chop… hurp… let’s get this over with.
Maybe another camera angle…
Let’s try again.
Let’s move on.
Bernie Sanders (I)
We think that Bern is likely not a fan of pork chops, on sticks or otherwise. At least we couldn’t find a proper shot of him chop-pounding, but we think he was still considered a joke candidate at the time of the fair. Anyway, here’s one of him as he prepares to pound some arthritis medication, or possibly a urine sample – it’s tough to say what’s in the little jar.
And then there’s this…
We are so close to being done with this election season – everyone stay cool! Keep On Pounding It! #CPI