Category Archives: Presidential Pounders

LET’S POUND! Presidential Hopefuls Porking It Up on the Campaign Trail!

Every four years, a select group of political superstars head off to the Iowa State Fair to show the regular people their relatability, electability, and ability to Pound It in pursuit of the presidency of our great nation.  Although there are surely hundreds if not thousands of varieties of foods to sample in Iowa, the one item that binds the candidates is the famed Pork Chop on a Stick.  Here is a brief tour of the most recent Pork Chop Poundathon.

First up: John Kasich (R)

Despite being the sanest candidate on the Republican side, Johnny-boy comes off a little weaselly in this Pork-Pounding.  Unfortunate that the first impression is the one that lasts, but that’s how it goes in the world of pork-based politics.

Better luck in 2020, buddy!

Better luck in 2020, buddy!

Next: Hillary Clinton (D)

If we were endorsing a candidate simply from her Pounding Presence, Hillary would be the one.  The bright and cheery face, the way the chop is pulling down her lower lip like she was a puppy refusing to let go of a sock?  Luckily it’s not about Pounding It alone.  She’s calm, cool, worldly, and collected, and she knows how it all works.

This is my screen saver!

This is my screen saver!

Next: Ted Cruz (R)

Honestly, one of the more presidential Poundings on the list.  Got the finger point for authority, the steely gaze for resolve, and the tin foil, to show all the crazies that he has their backs too.  Good luck Ted!

Got no beef with this Pork Pounding!

Got no beef with this Pork Pounding! Thanks Getty!

Why not: Martin O’Malley (D)

Not sure why we’re including him, since he’s way out of the race, but look at this picture of him posing with pork.  Maybe we were too hasty in ridiculing him out of the race.  He even got the full IPPA promo into his shot.

We were looking for a Pork Pounding, and instead got seafood.  Get it?  SEE-food?

We were looking for a Pork Pounding, and instead got seafood. Get it? SEE-food?

And of course: Donald Trump (R?)

Ugh.  This was the dreaded Pound.  Hard to look at this guy when he’s NOT eating.  If his naiveté and horribly simplistic views weren’t enough of an off-putting prospect, watching him wrap those greasy lips around a fat chop…  hurp…  let’s get this over with.

Who wears CUFFLINKS to a fuckin’ State Fair in Ohio?

Who wears CUFFLINKS to a fuckin’ State Fair in Ohio?

Maybe another camera angle…

Good lord – get a room you two, willya?

Good lord – get a room you two, willya?

Let’s try again.

Gross.  Somehow even worse when his eyes are open.

Gross. Somehow even worse when his eyes are open.

Let’s move on.

Bernie Sanders (I)

We think that Bern is likely not a fan of pork chops, on sticks or otherwise.  At least we couldn’t find a proper shot of him chop-pounding, but we think he was still considered a joke candidate at the time of the fair.  Anyway, here’s one of him as he prepares to pound some arthritis medication, or possibly a urine sample – it’s tough to say what’s in the little jar.

Just make it easier on us next time, Bernie – eat the fuckin’ pork chop!  It’s for America!

Just make it easier on us next time, Bernie – eat the fuckin’ pork chop! It’s for America!

And then there’s this…

For crying out loud, buddy – wear an undershirt next time!

For crying out loud, buddy – wear an undershirt next time!

We are so close to being done with this election season – everyone stay cool!  Keep On Pounding It!  #CPI

President Obama is Pounding a Sweet, Delicious Holy Hell… $2.99 a Pound for Limes?! Is That a Misprint?

Nectarine Margaritas (Nectaritas) are actually pretty good.  Fuck limes!

Nectarine Margaritas (Nectaritas) are actually pretty good. Fuck limes!

Is anyone else getting sick of seeing countries around the world who can’t take care of their shit? Terror parties are sweeping through Iraq on their way to Baghdad while the local armies (which we spent many years, many lives and many millions training) sit by and let themselves get beheaded rather than fight their own country’s extremists, and now, the Mexican cartels have a stranglehold on our lime imports. We are in the middle of a 400% price increase. This is getting pretty tiresome. Come on world – step up and TCOYB! Which stands for “Take Care Of Your Business.”

There are plenty of other non-lime routes that we can go with – check here! Let the cartels sit on those limes – we can get by!

Here you go, Mr. President – have a chocolate truffle.  They’re locally sourced.  USA! USA!

Here you go, Mr. President – have a chocolate truffle. They’re locally sourced. USA! USA!

President Obama, CPI Still Loves You. Here Are Some Refreshing Presidential Ice Cream Pounds!

Good stuff, cool and Poundable!

Good stuff, cool and Poundable!

Go ahead and slam the President.  You’re bored.  It’s a hot summer and getting hotter, we’re all a little amped up, and it’s easy to turn nonsensical quibbles into grand arguments.  The newspapers, magazines and journals (as well as blogs, vlogs and websites) need something to debate in the void left by the concluded 2012 election.  Mr. Obama can take the criticism.  After five years in office, he has seen plenty of criticism.  He sees your point of view and he is happy to talk about better ways forward, but he has a big job to do and not a lot more time to do it.

Frozen Pound!

Frozen Pound!

This president doesn’t do any of that sleazy stuff that pessimists automatically equate politicians with.  He’s a man with vision, and a goal to assure sustained American success.  He’s not dealing behind closed doors to enrich himself and his rich donor buddies, he’s not messing around on his wife, and as we all knew when he took on this thankless job in 2008, he had a RIDICULOUS amount of crap that he was expected to navigate us through (despite the fact that half the country was praying for his failure on every level).  He has made every decision with the understanding that sometimes we have to sacrifice now in order to prosper later.

Refreshing Icy Pound, heading down!

Deee-lightful!

Today his political base is turning on him over the PATRIOT Act.  Which we all agreed that we needed back when it was put into place in the early 00’s.  The Act has done its job very well.  The arguments against the Act are the same as they were when it was introduced, that we are giving up our privacy for security, which means that we deserve neither, I guess.  But now that we don’t think daily about Fox News Terror Alerts so much, the PATRIOT Act seems like a throwback that we shouldn’t have to honor anymore.  Okay then – introduce the legislation to repeal the Act!  That’s how the law works!  Until then, quit your complaining!

He’s gonna take this Pound into the other room, away from prying eyes, if you don’t mind.

He’s gonna take this Pound into the other room, away from prying eyes, if you don’t mind.

President Barack Obama is a good man, and the best leader this country has had in a generation.  He has a job to do – to steer this ship for the next 3 years until the next captain takes over.  What have his detractors done to make things better in this country?  Zip.  Nada.  No Pounds for you, haters!

Cheers to you, sir.

Cheers to you, sir.

We at CPI are proud to support you, Mr. President.  We’ll get through this.  We believe in you!

Former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton is Cramming It with Walnuts!

Hillary Clinton dominates.  She knows what she’s talking about and she takes action where others cower.  And here she is, Pounding a chocolate-coated ice-cream bar rolled in delicious walnuts.  Down the Yummy Tunnel with you, frozen treat!

She’s gonna be a kick-ass president starting in 2016.  We all know it.

She’s gonna be a kick-ass president starting in 2016. We all know it.

UPDATED – Mrs. Clinton is in fact Cramming It with Crushed Almonds.  We apologize for the error.  #CPI

Fiscal Cliff? Averted. Pastrami sandwich? Pounded.

Sure, the deal wasn’t perfect, and people will complain, but much like a pastrami sandwich that has one slice of rye soggy from too much dressing, you buck up, you open wide and you Pound It.  May not be perfect, but it’ll do the job!

Keep on keeping on, Mr. President!

Keep on keeping on, Mr. President!

Okay, now that THAT’S all over…

If you all don’t mind, the President has a short stack of pancakes, three eggs over easy, home fries, four chicken sausages, a large cranberry juice, and a huge-ass cinnamon roll to Pound.  Nobody deserves it more than he does.

Don’t forget the Tapatio…

Congrats, Mr. President – AGAIN!

The Affordable Care Act was deemed constitutional by the Supreme Court this morning.  Nice work, sir!  Time to celebrate by Pounding a French Dip and a side of fries.

“Said it before, saying it again – I got this.”