Every four years, a select group of political superstars head off to the Iowa State Fair to show the regular people their relatability, electability, and ability to Pound It in pursuit of the presidency of our great nation. Although there are surely hundreds if not thousands of varieties of foods to sample in Iowa, the one item that binds the candidates is the famed Pork Chop on a Stick. Here is a brief tour of the most recent Pork Chop Poundathon.
First up: John Kasich (R)
Despite being the sanest candidate on the Republican side, Johnny-boy comes off a little weaselly in this Pork-Pounding. Unfortunate that the first impression is the one that lasts, but that’s how it goes in the world of pork-based politics.
Better luck in 2020, buddy!
Next: Hillary Clinton (D)
If we were endorsing a candidate simply from her Pounding Presence, Hillary would be the one. The bright and cheery face, the way the chop is pulling down her lower lip like she was a puppy refusing to let go of a sock? Luckily it’s not about Pounding It alone. She’s calm, cool, worldly, and collected, and she knows how it all works.
This is my screen saver!
Next: Ted Cruz (R)
Honestly, one of the more presidential Poundings on the list. Got the finger point for authority, the steely gaze for resolve, and the tin foil, to show all the crazies that he has their backs too. Good luck Ted!
Got no beef with this Pork Pounding! Thanks Getty!
Why not: Martin O’Malley (D)
Not sure why we’re including him, since he’s way out of the race, but look at this picture of him posing with pork. Maybe we were too hasty in ridiculing him out of the race. He even got the full IPPA promo into his shot.
We were looking for a Pork Pounding, and instead got seafood. Get it? SEE-food?
And of course: Donald Trump (R?)
Ugh. This was the dreaded Pound. Hard to look at this guy when he’s NOT eating. If his naiveté and horribly simplistic views weren’t enough of an off-putting prospect, watching him wrap those greasy lips around a fat chop… hurp… let’s get this over with.
Who wears CUFFLINKS to a fuckin’ State Fair in Ohio?
Maybe another camera angle…
Good lord – get a room you two, willya?
Let’s try again.
Gross. Somehow even worse when his eyes are open.
Let’s move on.
Bernie Sanders (I)
We think that Bern is likely not a fan of pork chops, on sticks or otherwise. At least we couldn’t find a proper shot of him chop-pounding, but we think he was still considered a joke candidate at the time of the fair. Anyway, here’s one of him as he prepares to pound some arthritis medication, or possibly a urine sample – it’s tough to say what’s in the little jar.
Just make it easier on us next time, Bernie – eat the fuckin’ pork chop! It’s for America!
And then there’s this…
For crying out loud, buddy – wear an undershirt next time!
We are so close to being done with this election season – everyone stay cool! Keep On Pounding It! #CPI