Hasselhoff? More like Dapperhoff! And he is Pounding It!

 

Calm down ladies - plenty of meat for everyone!

Calm down ladies – plenty of meat for everyone!

And speaking of style, pick up a “Party Your HASSelhOFF” T-shirt while you still have the chance!  Ger it here: represent.com/Hoff

Will you wear it as well as the Hoff?  Honestly, probably not.  But you can try!

Will you wear it as well as the Hoff? Honestly, probably not. But you can try!

You’re the best, buddy!  Keep on Pounding It!  #CPI

Bill Hader, America’s Sweetheart, is POUNDING IT!

The guy is magic.  Everything he does is at least 75 percent funnier because of his involvement.  Just look at this iPhone ad.  If it had been Drew Carey, it would have been a big sack of stupid.  With Bill Hader?  GOLD.  And the fella knows how to Pound It.

He probably spit the bites out after every take, but we at CPI like to imagine that he didn’t.

 

Prince Rogers Nelson, 1958-2016

Crushed.  We say goodbye to someone who knew the joy of music and lived to spread it around.  We will miss you, buddy!

The Beautiful Ones, U Always Seem 2 Lose

The Beautiful Ones, U Always Seem 2 Lose

LET’S POUND! Presidential Hopefuls Porking It Up on the Campaign Trail!

Every four years, a select group of political superstars head off to the Iowa State Fair to show the regular people their relatability, electability, and ability to Pound It in pursuit of the presidency of our great nation.  Although there are surely hundreds if not thousands of varieties of foods to sample in Iowa, the one item that binds the candidates is the famed Pork Chop on a Stick.  Here is a brief tour of the most recent Pork Chop Poundathon.

First up: John Kasich (R)

Despite being the sanest candidate on the Republican side, Johnny-boy comes off a little weaselly in this Pork-Pounding.  Unfortunate that the first impression is the one that lasts, but that’s how it goes in the world of pork-based politics.

Better luck in 2020, buddy!

Better luck in 2020, buddy!

Next: Hillary Clinton (D)

If we were endorsing a candidate simply from her Pounding Presence, Hillary would be the one.  The bright and cheery face, the way the chop is pulling down her lower lip like she was a puppy refusing to let go of a sock?  Luckily it’s not about Pounding It alone.  She’s calm, cool, worldly, and collected, and she knows how it all works.

This is my screen saver!

This is my screen saver!

Next: Ted Cruz (R)

Honestly, one of the more presidential Poundings on the list.  Got the finger point for authority, the steely gaze for resolve, and the tin foil, to show all the crazies that he has their backs too.  Good luck Ted!

Got no beef with this Pork Pounding!

Got no beef with this Pork Pounding! Thanks Getty!

Why not: Martin O’Malley (D)

Not sure why we’re including him, since he’s way out of the race, but look at this picture of him posing with pork.  Maybe we were too hasty in ridiculing him out of the race.  He even got the full IPPA promo into his shot.

We were looking for a Pork Pounding, and instead got seafood.  Get it?  SEE-food?

We were looking for a Pork Pounding, and instead got seafood. Get it? SEE-food?

And of course: Donald Trump (R?)

Ugh.  This was the dreaded Pound.  Hard to look at this guy when he’s NOT eating.  If his naiveté and horribly simplistic views weren’t enough of an off-putting prospect, watching him wrap those greasy lips around a fat chop…  hurp…  let’s get this over with.

Who wears CUFFLINKS to a fuckin’ State Fair in Ohio?

Who wears CUFFLINKS to a fuckin’ State Fair in Ohio?

Maybe another camera angle…

Good lord – get a room you two, willya?

Good lord – get a room you two, willya?

Let’s try again.

Gross.  Somehow even worse when his eyes are open.

Gross. Somehow even worse when his eyes are open.

Let’s move on.

Bernie Sanders (I)

We think that Bern is likely not a fan of pork chops, on sticks or otherwise.  At least we couldn’t find a proper shot of him chop-pounding, but we think he was still considered a joke candidate at the time of the fair.  Anyway, here’s one of him as he prepares to pound some arthritis medication, or possibly a urine sample – it’s tough to say what’s in the little jar.

Just make it easier on us next time, Bernie – eat the fuckin’ pork chop!  It’s for America!

Just make it easier on us next time, Bernie – eat the fuckin’ pork chop! It’s for America!

And then there’s this…

For crying out loud, buddy – wear an undershirt next time!

For crying out loud, buddy – wear an undershirt next time!

We are so close to being done with this election season – everyone stay cool!  Keep On Pounding It!  #CPI

Super-tiny Sophia Loren is Prepping for a Pounding!

So elegant and beautiful, Sophia Loren is one of the icons of beauty, grace, elegance and sass.  So it was upsetting to see that she was, at least for a brief time in what appears to be the early seventies, shrunken down to the size of a Star Wars figure.

Figure A - standing between two normal, human-sized utensils. Figure B - trying to catch a normal-sized Chicken McNugget

Figure A (left): posing with a human-sized fork and spoon
Figure B (right): trying to catch a normal-sized Chicken McNugget (Barbie Townhouse kitchen)

If Sophia Loren was the subject of scientific testing, some kind of serum or gamma-ray, I think the people of the world deserve to know about it.  That said, you can’t take away from this woman’s ability to make even the most controversial PoundShot look amazing.  #CPI

Pound-Hacked!

Apologies to our readers – someone got into our system and posted a rant about meat. We are trying to remedy the situation, but we don’t seem to be able to delete the offending entry. We are working on it, but in the meantime, here are a couple of pictures of dogs pounding desserts.

Look at this little guy! Very non-controversial!

Look at this little guy! Very non-controversial!

Such a creamy treat for a cute puppy doggy! And he got a little bit on his nose!

Such a creamy treat for a cute puppy doggy! And he got a little bit on his nose!

Hey where the fuck did this guy come from?

Hey, where the fuck did this guy come from?

That’s more like it!

That’s more like it!

Again, sorry to Mitt Romney, Mischa Barton, Tori Spelling, Ed Sheeran and Vincent Price.

Celebrities, Please! Don’t You Know Meat is MURDER?

MURDER!

MURDER!

With all we know about animal cruelty, as well as the health problems that come with eating animals, isn’t it time we put a stop to this? We’re talking to YOU, Celebrities who Pound It!

Disgusting!  For shame, Tori – somewhere a cow is missing a rib because of you!

Disgusting! For shame, Tori – somewhere a cow is missing a rib because of you!

How would you feel if someone came along, knocked you out with a hammer and ground you up into taco meat?

You should know better, Mischa!

You should know better, Mischa!

Why can’t you celebrities be more like Ed Sheeran, and eat a gigantic bowl of pasta instead?

Unfortunately, this pasta is made with eggs, which is basically baby chicken murder.  But at least he’s trying.

Unfortunately, this pasta is made with eggs, which is basically baby chicken murder. But at least he’s trying.

Some of us want to see a better world without mass animal genocide. Of course, not everyone feels that way.

Is that a Meat Lover’s Pizza you’re Pounding, Meat Lover?  MURDER!!!

Is that a Meat Lover’s Pizza you’re Pounding, Meat Lover? MURDER!!!

I hope you carnivores sleep well!